| Alright you little piglets…
Now this is the story all about howOur hash got flipped turned upside down,I’d like to take a minute just sit right thereI’ll tell you all the story of our surprise hare.In West SLoTown we gathered and drank, Getting lubed and ready while we all formed rank, Chilling out, maxing, relaxing all coolAnd all drinking some beers and playing the foolWhen a couple of guys who were up to no good, Started finding trouble for this cool dude,Jesse got handed one little bag, And while he got scared, We all said “You better get started and make yourself rare!” (Commercial Break) Spike’s, in its sweet beneficence, allowed us to trespass upon its sacred grounds for the 63rd meeting of the San Luis Obispo Hash House Harriers. Intrigue was especially high. Much rumor and scuttlebutt had aroused the group, we were in for a surprise hare. A surprise hare! What’s that? Well none of us knew. Or at least those few of YOU that did, kept the pussy in the bag. I know that Sprinkle Princess and Backdoor WeedWhacker at least asked me if I knew. So we were sold on the idea that some out of towner (which implies nearly legendary status to other hashers as too many of us haven’t been to one yet…,) would lead the hash. To this add Matzo’s selling ability, (I mean my god that man has a girlfriend even!!!), and we were all pretty geeked on the whole idea. We threw the football, we talked shit about Floyd Landis, and gathered under a healthy haze of beer. As Matzo had asked, I had prepared a flour bag for our guest; one so honored should not have to bring anything but a good trail. And once again a member of SoBH3 proved an almost cosmic knowledge of perfect timing and walked into the crowd. For at the very moment that we were graced with a Happy Snappy clad in Hot Pink, and we rejoiced at the opportunity to fail in catching him as he has too often done to us. But alas, it was not to be. The bag was not passed to Happy Snappy. It was passed to the Hareless Snatch, who with a priceless look of utter befuddlement, tried to find the right defense against to raise against the mob, which had now turned on him with a sense of righteous cruelty. Not even Caesar dared defy the will of the mob, and we were drunk to boot! With joy I watched as Matzo handed him a map that laid out where we were in relation to the beer check he laid earlier. Panic had clearly set in. But to his credit, Hareless Snatch seemed determined to not make an irony of his name, and bound away without hesitation. And he laid a mean one on us. It wasn’t long, and it wasn’t poorly laid. But it was a bitch to follow. For directly between the A and the BN, lay many thousands of people gathered for our Farmer’s market. That Snatch took us right through the summer throng, and lost every one of us with a well laid trail. I was the first to be separated from the group. I met the Mechanical Bull on the way. And the pack, from what I was later told, took every YBF and wrong turn he threw at them. The audacity peaked when Hareless, passing the passed out transient on the Railroad tracks, laid trail right on the guy’s crotch. Just a pinch. But clearly noticeable, especially by him when he finally woke up. Much of our beerstop consisted of everyone asking why that guy was swiping at his crotch while they passed, and seemed so confused to be doing it. The trail back was not as deviously clever, but left the pack no possibility to catch him. A straight run back with a 5 minute head start ensured him the dignity of a successful first lay. Don’t worry Hareless, we’re all nervous the first time. At least we didn’t come to early! Now to the down-downs. Plenty of Poppycock to go around! It went by the handful, if you know what I mean. <<Wakka Wakka>> A warm serving of down down beer. Some awesome joke about Farmer John and a Whale Farm (or something, honestly its hard to pay attention to the words when the whales apparently spout beer.) Totally deserved by me, though for the Mechanical Bull and I think Dr. Doolittle, it was a punishment for being an accessory. There was much singing and new songs. A young virgin who must have been in the movies. She took it down better than the Bull. Truly a prodigy in the making. A naming! – A Cal water polo graduate and kinky video session aficionado must know all about clean shaven neither regions. And with clean shaven nether regions comes an Itchy Scrotum. Who was then plastered with white flour. I’m glad that the induction ceremony didn’t include a painful shower of high velocity flour when I was a yungin. Anyway, I’ll see you wankers on Thursday. First period goes 0-2 while wearing the Hashit. Fear the whistles. Fred Ass-Tear |
| HASH TRASH #62 |