| Slo Hash #46 - Knee Deep In...
It was a crystal clear evening. The group trickles in through the door, slowly gathering their wits and $2 brown bags. Python and I, having devised a particularly ruthless form of mischief, anxiously await the whisteless: they had been warned. This was not going to be some rookie trail,(oh that's right yes it was a virgin lay!), people might die out there if they aren't well equipped. We knew this, but did they? But whistles don't come cheap my friend, a picking them up off the black market doesn't help things; the lifeguard revolt in Upper Mongolia had us all suffering for want of whistles. To ensure that our hard won booty( tee hee, he said booty), didn't go unappreciated, we attached a variety of objects to weigh down those unfortunate souls who lacked the unnecessary underground contacts. motorbike fenders, weedwhackers, viscious furry gorillas, bricks, and whatever else was necessary to ensure their safe return. (Someone still has my damn hammer, and i want it back !!) 25 heads we held that night, some of us more if we got lucky. (insert fluffer here?) We were all in the midst of groupthink and excitement at the prospect; the wholly unremarkable, flatulent, and soon to be incredibly white Fred Ass-Tear was to lead the outing. It's 5 mile mission: to explore strange new trails, to seek out new beer and new forms of masturbation. To boldly run where no man has run before. (Insert dynamic theme music from favorite sci-fi convention here.) Here my account diverts from that of the group. I'm sure they all have complaints and whining saved up for their replies. But from my perspective... "They're chasing me. Only just to the top of the hill, if I can make it to the beer check I might be safe, those ravenous heathens ALWAYS stop for the beer. Only a little further, but I can hear them. Oh how their calls strike fear into the heart of a hare! They are gaining, must press on! haha, this marsh will screw them all (as i was told later, a few people lost shoes in the mud, that was roughly ankle deep. Score one for the hare!) There, There is the beer! Now, to shake them from my trail I'll stop laying flour! Haha, that will teach them. I'll run off trail, placing flour at random in the dark. It's not that I'm lost and fearful of the raving pack of lunatics following me. No, its strategy... There, there is Cal poly. I recognize those dorms. Through the dorms, around the food court, down the parking structure, by the gym (insert cat calls here), through the student union I will take them. Teach these studious types a lesson or two. Disturb the comfortable! Back around, up the stairs, down the other stairs. Run out of flour! Are you fucking kidding me, I ran out of flour... What to do what to do. The campus pizza. "Hello, excuse me, I'm leading a group of runners, and I've run out of flour. Can you spare some, just some pizza flour. No? I'm serious, if you don't hook me up, 45 people are gonna end their run in about 100 yards. You wanna dissapoint that many people. No, it isn't my responsibility. No, you're a bitch. So what if I'm an asshole, you're still a bitch. You're right, that is a nice nipple ring. It accentuates the hair on your nipple. Do I have any of it in my teeth? Yes, I do think you're sexy, even with that chin growth. You'll do it!? Wow, how generous of you." Back on trail, I can hear them again, closer. Coming down the parking structure, I've lost ground, the beer didnt hold them! Back to the start, A to A right, not that much further." Turns out that all the wanky bastards went straight back to the start when they got close. I laid a whole nother mile of trail, that they all consciously skipped. I, the hare that did not get caught, was one of the last one's back for down downs, where I was forced to repeatedly drink for MY hare crimes, freaking mob psychology. The final tally: 5 new virgins (one with a really fantastic joke : How do you know your father is gay? Because his cock tastes like shit.) 0 nipple sightings for Matzo Balls. 1 nipple sighting for me! 1 bloody virgin. Who oddly enough, despite the hare's best efforts, didn't bleed until AFTER the hash was over. 50 muddy, pissed off shoes. 3 men who stopped to "window shop" the gym. 12 others who've apparently lost their johnsons, and ran right by. 2 extra twelve packs for an unexpectedly large crowd. 1 gay coupling for Matzo balls with a virgin. 0 returned whistles. 1 glowing cock, Mock Dick has some explaining to do. 1 Super Ass Crotch who noticed the glowing cock. 1 return of yokoi. 1 super modified hashit. Nice addition Just Jad. 25 Rowdy hasher's crashing Cal Poly and laying down the On-On. 1 succesful evening. Next Hash will be in the Pismo Beach area. Led by Just Jad and Just Jason, with guidance from The Mechanical Bull. Please bring whistles and my damn hammer. May the Hash go in Peach. Fred Ass-Tear |
 |